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Ron Artest Sings About The Pain We Both Feel Regarding Michael Jackson's Death

Like many of you, I've had some mixed feelings about Michael Jackson's death. Part of this stems from the fact that for a brief period of time (known as 1983-1984) I'd regularly go into the Chess King and Merry-Go-Round at the Sun Valley Mall in lovely Pleasant Hill, California to try on the numerous replica faux leather Michael Jackson jackets. As you might recall, not only did these stores carry the imitation Thriller jackets, they also carried the imitation Beat It jackets, too, both the one Michael wore and the white one worn by one of the dancing gang members. I never made the big purchase, thankfully, as I had enough problems already as a kid, and god knows I didn't need to have Tim Hicks or Bobby Soto kick my ass for dressing like Michael Jackson (they didn't kick my ass for the parachute pants I already owned since several other dipshits also had them...though the ear-clip might have gotten me killed if Todd Harris hadn't advised me to take it off before school started the first day of 8th grade...and a career was born for him...). The other aspect is that both Thriller and Off The Wall were great albums that I listened to constantly as a kid. Now, the difficult thing is that I try not to give child molesters my money and I can honestly say that I haven't paid for anything by Michael Jackson in a very long time. Of course who knows if Jackson molested kids, but, man, it sure seems like something off the wall was happening over there in Neverland. 


Anyway, I bring this all up today not because I'm trying to figure out whether or not I'm going to watch the funeral (I feel obligated to, the same way I feel obligated to watch Beverly Hills Bordello whenever it's on), but because if I feel conflicted about this, think how Laker Ron Artest must feel. Because, you see, uh, Ron Artest had a, uh, lot in common with Michael Jackson, uhm, I think, or, uh, well, fuck, who knows what Ron Artest was thinking about before he decided to record this tribute to Michael Jackson, but I think he says what all of us must be, uh, yeah, thinking, during this trying time in American history:
Favorite line: "MJ, you're in my prayers, I know you're in heaven, I hope to see you next year." 

Second favorite line: "He inspired guys like Jamie Foxx and Usher, too."

Third favorite line: "Even though I'm always strapped, I'm puttin' down my mack for Mike Jack."

At 3:34 in, Ron actually begins crying. 

On the upside, Ron Artest is a lockdown defender on the basketball court. On the downside, he's planning on being dead next year.

Student Body Shots: On Low Residency MFA Programs

I've spent the last two years getting my MFA in creative writing from Bennington College, one of the first low residency MFA programs in the country and one of the most esteemed. I haven't talked much about the experience here or in other places but now that I've graduated and have a little distance, I thought I'd talk a bit about the path I took and about MFA programs in general. Of course my experience is a bit different than most folks since I entered the program with five published books...and, well, I also direct the MFA program at UCR's Palm Desert campus.

I'm the first one to tell anyone that you do not need an MFA to be a writer and of course I didn't have an MFA prior to publishing now seven (and soon to be eight when Other Resort Cities comes out in October) books, dozens of stories, countless book reviews, essays, feature stories etc. And in fact for many years I thought the idea of getting one myself was silly. What more did I possibly need to learn? What prompted me to get my MFA finally was that I'd spent the previous decade teaching at various universities and found that I loved to teach, could see myself doing it for as long as anyone would let me...and that if I wanted that to remain the case, I'd need a terminal degree to go along with my novels and stories. At the same time, my wife Wendy decided that she wanted to get an MFA for the conventional purpose of dedicating two years to writing. When we started looking into programs -- around the winter of 2006 -- we looked at both traditional programs and low residency ones. Neither Wendy nor I really wanted to move to, say, Michigan, not least of all because I was already teaching at UCR and UCLA, plus the idea of being in school three days a week simply didn't seem tenable to either of us, no matter the locale. The upside, however, was that traditional programs offered significant financial packages which, if accepted, would end up paying us to go to graduate school, particularly attractive since we'd just paid off our old undergrad student loans. But, nevertheless, neither of us wanted to move and leave the jobs/lives we already had.  So, the next easiest step was to investigate the low residency programs.

The writer Aimee Liu, coincidentally, had just graduated from Bennington and when I told her about what we were planning, she told me we had to apply to Bennington and that it would be a fantastic experience. Later, another writer, Andrea Siegel, told me that she thought it would be a good thing for us, with a few caveats (namely the food and the beds on campus). I was already familiar with Bennington, having sent several former UCLA Extension students there over the years and the opportunity to work with Amy Hempel and David Gates was very appealing to me -- particularly since after looking at many of the low residency programs, it was difficult to find a program that wasn't filled with either 100_0187 faculty I was already friendly with (like, say, Antioch, which employed so many of my friends that I immediately opted not to apply) or faculty that wasn't as qualified as I was to teach the class I'd be taking (and yes, I know, this is so profoundly narcissistic as to be bordering on the insane, but it was a real consideration for me as I didn't want to be in a class with someone who I didn't respect). Plus, I wanted to make sure I went to a college that wasn't merely a diploma factory (the number of odd little low residency programs that have popped up is pretty striking) but that had a rich history of turning out esteemed writers or was located at a very strong university. Bennington fit the bill perfectly. 

As luck would have it, Wendy and I both got accepted -- Wendy first, me a week later -- and off we went in the summer of 2007. For the next two years, we visited Bennington five times, thankfully only twice in the winter, and I'd say overall it was a very positive experience, and one that for me was fairly easy. You're expected to write 25 pages of creative work each month along with about 15 pages of critical work (essays on the books you've read, essentially). Since I had books under contract to write, along with a short story collection I was writing at the same time, 25 pages of creative work was no problem. The critical work, derived from the reading list you set up at the beginning of each term, was more challenging from a time perspective as I already read probably three books a month for various publications for book review purposes. Adding another five books and 15 pages of writing to my life was invariably what caused me to feel inordinate amounts of monthly stress. 

In terms of criticism from the professors, I got the most valuable instruction from Lynne Sharon Schwartz. She opened up avenues of thought for me in regards to my stories that was entirely new -- in essence, she told me that I already had good stories, but that together we could make them great stories, and that if I was willing to work hard on them, she'd give me all she could. And I listened. And she was right. Her insight was invaluable and the resulting stories, most of which ended up in Other Resort Cities, not only improved the stories, but improved me as a writer. I thought I was done learning and Lynne taught me that a long career in writing means constant growth.

Part of my initial issue while in the program had to do with my own sizable ego -- namely, that it was hard for me to get notes on my stories from other students in class who I 100_0506 didn't think knew what they were talking about, writers whose own work was riddled with poor craft and missing drama. I had to remind myself that I was no different than they were; that we'd both been accepted into the same writing program, that whatever was notable in my work had to have a correlation to their own, even if I didn't see it. After spending so long teaching writing workshops, I had to remind myself that I wasn't in charge, that I was just a writing student again and that it was important to get the notes from these very sentient readers, regardless of what I might think about their own work. The issue that I continued to have, however, was the lack of actual craft that was taught at Bennington. The problem often with the low residency model is that there's simply not enough teaching time -- or, well, at least there isn't in the case of the programs that rely solely on the ten day residency period and the one-to-one mentor relationship that exists primarily via standard mail as Bennington does. In residency, there are daily lectures but I found many of them not so much lectures as a person standing up and reading an essay. Literally reading, most of the time, which just isn't a real vibrant way to teach writing, and which doesn't provide stimulation for the writing student who is struggling with some core issue (like, say, dialog or setting etc.) and certainly doesn't invite interruption and conversation. I can read an essay, but when I'm being taught, I crave interaction and example. The workshops are instructive, certainly, but because of the time constraint, the teaching moments are compact. The packet process, which is once a month, is helpful in terms of the work itself but also doesn't really allow for a lot of interaction on the craft of the work. It's a read and react process, which I think works well for people who perhaps come into a program already well versed, but which I think can be counterproductive to those who really need instruction. It's where traditional programs have a distinct advantage over some low residency programs. I don't believe, as I've said before, that writing can be taught per se, but I feel like talent can be steered and talent can be instructed on how to best tell a story. You can't teach talent, but you can provide a path. This was a complaint I made early and often during my time at Bennington and, over the course of the last year, it seems like they've started to focus more on craft and in making subtle changes to their model subsequent to the death of the program's founder, Liam Rector.

[Personally, what I saw in relation to this teaching method at Bennington really shaped the way I ended up designing the UCR low residency, so that residency happens after a full quarter of online instruction with your professor and where you are encouraged to be in more direct contact with your professor (by email, by Blackboard, by phone, etc.) because I want the students in the program to not only get critiqued, but also get formal instruction. Likewise, we do a lot of professional development at residency in addition to workshops and seminars, bringing editors, agents and studio executives because I want my students to have a clear idea of where they will land after school concludes.] 

What Bennington does especially well is that it creates a community of writers where a great deal of the learning happens casually between faculty and students while they sit on the lawn, or at the student center, or during the communal meals. It's an intensive time and it's only after that you realize that some of the best teaching moments -- the best learning moments -- are when you're not in a formal setting at all. The dorm living is also inspiring in that you end up making intense and lasting friendships with the people in your class, who, it turns out, also end up teaching you a great deal.

My belief, as a writer, as a professor, as a new MFA, is that the low residency model is actually a far better approximation of what it is actually like to be a professional writer, where you have to juggle real life and writing. Traditional MFA programs provide an equally intensive experience, certainly, but in a way it's a real halcyon time for most students where they suspend real life in order to immerse themselves in academia, where their social life, their academic life, their business life, is all housed in the same place for two years. It works, certainly, and I think for younger writers specifically it's probably the best way to achieve the degree. But for someone with a career, a home, etc. the low residency is not unlike working as a freelance writer where you chase deadlines while maybe pulling 40 hours a week at some dreadful job -- the difference being that in the end you have 30K in debt vs. a nice bundle of freelance money. But it's also about self reliance -- you have to work one on one with the professor and drive yourself to work vs. being in a weekly classroom workshop that forces you week by week to be ready. My sense is that in the next twenty years, as the cost of education rises (both from a student and administrative angle), you'll see more low residency programs because of the low cost and high return. Already you see this in MBA programs (and in fact MBAs were the first models for the subsequent creative writing programs) but it also makes a lot of sense for other arts programs, particularly since new online learning platforms are making the fine arts easier now to teach virtually. But I really believe the residency period is the absolute key here - it's where the students bond with their professors and with each other. The challenge for all of these new programs is how to create the same dynamic that Bennington has achieved, which is that after two years you feel like a part of something larger than yourself, which invariably means you end up with a kind of brand loyalty (as witnessed by the fifteen shirts, sweatshirts and baseball caps I have that say Bennington on them, but also by the number of alumni who return to campus each year and the odd protective feeling I suddenly have for the program, even while I run a program that I hope to position as a new take on a model they've perfected). 

Finally, I'm still of the opinion that you do not need an MFA to be a writer. But I think what MFA programs provide, and specifically low residency programs, is an intensive opportunity to actually write and receive focused instruction on your art. An apprentice period, essentially, that allows for those with real talent the chance to hone their work. I think, too, the low residency MFAs end up producing less familiar workshop-y stories since most of the work is done in solitude and outside the group think of the worst workshop experiences. (That's not to say I think workshops are bad, only that it can take a writer a good long time to figure out how to spot their own issues when they become overly dependent on the opinions of others...which are usually correct...).  I learned a great deal over the course of my two years, though it was more of a personal growth than an empirical one, which I guess is normally called life experience or something like that, and perhaps that's the true measure of a program, whether or not the people come out of it altered for the better. 

Gone Fishing

I just realized, about a week late, that I forgot to post up a little sign that said: I'm on an educational sojourn. Or: I have departed for colder, less hospitable climes...but with more bugs and poets in strappy dresses. Or: I have left California for Vermont, the one place where I regularly find myself shopping in Wal-Mart, if only to overhear conversations that go like this:


Man: You know if you got diamond pointed bullets?
Worker: Yeah, we got that. Not hollow points, though.
Man: Gotta work with what you got.
Worker: Don't I know it.

At any rate, I'm currently in the wilds of Bennington, Vermont until the 21st (please do not rob my house -- the vicious man eating cocker spaniels are there, along with a vicious man eating mother in law) so this space may be periodically left unattended. I encourage you to read a book in the interim. I'd suggest Dave Cullen's Columbine, by far the best book I've read all year. See you soon...

When You Write About A Spy...

...USA Today finds your opinion far more important than usual:


Burn Notice is fueled by Westen's frustrated efforts to come in from the cold — or in this case, the Miami heat. Blacklisted, he uses his spy skills inRobin Hood style, helping average Joes oppressed by evildoers ranging from drug dealers to white-collar thieves. Think A-Team meets MacGyver, mixed with a little I Spy and Rockford Files. Westen's crime-fighting partners are Fiona (Gabrielle Anwar), the centerfold-sexy weapons expert more comfortable shouldering rocket launchers than designer handbags, and rumpled wingman Sam Axe (Bruce Campbell), a sarcastic former Navy SEAL and government operative as interested in babes and beer as bringing down bad guys. For more comic relief, there's Sharon Gless as Madeline, the boozy, chain-smoking Mom who can pierce her son's James Bond veneer by guilt-tripping him into fixing household appliances.

Burn Notice's burgeoning audience — spring's season finale drew a record 7.6 million viewers — has been a pleasant surprise for the cast, crew and network. How does Burn Notice ignite such interest? "It looks pretty, the writing's strong, the heroes have frailty, and there's a humanistic quality about people overcoming obstacles to make the world a little better," says Tod Goldberg, who has written three companion Burn Notice novels.


You can read the rest of the article here. And if that's not enough, Lev Raphael recently interviewd me about all things Burn Notice, too:

In The Fix you call Miami a city that was always home to ruffians and rogues, and is now overwhelmed by ostentatious wealth and envy. Does it share those qualities with Los Angeles? And Michael Westen seems completely removed from envy, but is he a rogue or a ruffian in your view?

I think Michael Westen is an anti-hero, which is part rogue and ruffian and, in his case, a guy who goes and fixes his mother’s sink. He’s done bad things. He’s killed people. And yet we feel empathy for him because there is someone worse than him, someone without conscience who has burned him. Plus he’s got an ex-girlfriend he still sleeps with, a dumb brother, dad issues . . . he’s a guy who has a job that has made him into something unusual, but he’s still just a guy with problems, which is why I think people are drawn to the character. 

I think most places are overwhelmed by envy—or at least the people who live in those places are. Los Angeles is a strange place in that you meet an accountant or a rabbi and they both want to get into the entertainment industry . . . or at least want to be famous. I’ve written about this before, in other books and stories, but I find that LA is unique in the sense that it’s the only place in the world where people who are file clerks at a studio say they work in the entertainment industry. 


 You can read Lev Raphael's interview with me here.

When Was The Last Time You Worked Up A Rondo Thirst?

I had the sudden desire this evening to fight a ninja and then find a soft drink that wasn't made for sipping. Sadly, I forgot to pick up my weekly sixer of Rondo and was left to drink, you know, water. 



 

Letters To Parade: Special Memorial Day Fucktard Extravaganza!

Two of the nice things about living in America are freedom of speech and freedom of the press. That's important to remember today, of all days, when we salute those who have died for our various freedoms. It's especially nice when you consider that in other countries simply speaking your mind might land you in prison or result in your death. And as a person who has been known to speak his mind on various topics and to tell the world that specific people are fucktards, I must say how happy I am to live in this lovely country and that I am able to do so while not also serving time in a forced labor camp or taking a dirt nap for calling, say, Greta Van Sustern, the scariest human being alive (and I mean that only in the sense that whenever I see her on television I think: Man, she really turned her face into a fucking meat circus -- what's wrong with having a few wrinkles, Greta? Grow old gracefully, I say).


So, yes, happy Memorial Day, everyone. And thanks to the fine men and women who stand in the way of harm so that I may live in a gated community on a man made lake and spout hate across the internet. Because really, what says Memorial Day like outing some fucktards? Specifically, the fucktards at Parade magazine. 

Yesterday's issue was a veritable fucktardapalooza, both from the standpoint of the morons who wrote to Parade and the morons who write for Parade. Let's take the second section first, shall we? Shirley Chamberlain of Vero Beach, FL (who I pray to god lives in an iron lung, because no one who lives and walks among us should care this much about a celebrity to ponder the emotional subtext of said celebrity's dating life -- though, really, if Shirley did live in an iron lung, my sense is that she would be best off focusing her attention on getting the fuck out of the iron lung, though that's just my opinion) wrote Parade because she just can't figure out something really, really important:

Did Jennifer Aniston have any warning things weren't working out with John Mayer?


A great question. And I can only think of one person who might know the answer. And that person isn't really a person at all. No, in fact, the only person who might have known that John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston might eventually break up was actually her dog. 


Yes. A member of Aniston’s family tells us that Jen’s corgi mix, Norman, growled and hid whenever Mayer spent the night at her Beverly Hills mansion. At the time, the Friends star couldn’t understand her dog’s behavior. Now, our source says, her boyfriends must pass Norman’s sniff test.

 
Parade, as I think we can all agree, is not the New York Times. But, nevertheless, HOW THE FUCK DO YOU USE A DOG AS A FUCKING SOURCE? I know, I know, it says a "family member" is the source, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that if a "family member" is talking to Parade, that "family member" is not close enough to Jennifer Aniston to actually gain her confidence enough that she'd, you know, divulge the great secret behind the end of her relationship boiled down to her dog Norman. So, for all intents, Parade has just used a dog as their source of celebrity gossip. Janice Kaplan, who is the editor of Parade, writes fiction as well, so maybe she thought, Oh, what the hell, let's throw a talking dog into this issue and see if anyone notices. And next issue, let's make the dog Bionic! Now maybe this isn't as egregious as the time Parade said Osama Bin Laden was dead, or pronounced Barbaro fit (when he was already dead), or ran a cover story on Benazir Bhutto proclaiming her the one person who could solve Pakistan's issues a week after she was murdered, but it is the first time I can recall that Parade actually has depended upon canine intuition as the reasoning behind a break up.

Maybe I'm being too hard on Parade and editor Janice Kaplan for bringing a talking dog into the mix, particularly since the average person who writes into Parade is no smarter than my dog Scout who, though without the ability to speak, did recently eat some of her own vomit, which answered a lot of questions for me about my own interpersonal relationships. For instance, are the editors of Parade any less bright than Aubrey Jinks of Bullard, Texas, who writes:

Days of our Lives star Alison Sweeney recently had a baby -- as did her TV character. Does her real daughter play her daughter on TV?


Our soldiers have died for Aubrey to be this fucking stupid, people. Let's be clear on that. According to information I found on the internet just a few moments ago, I learned that Sweeney's character on Days recently spent time in the Witness Protection program. Aubrey, do you think Alison Sweeney is also in the Witness Protection program? Also, it appears that the baby on the show isn't really her character's baby! In fact, it was switched by Sweeney's character's arch enemy! Do you believe, Aubrey, that Alison Sweeney's baby in real life has been switched, too? Or do you believe that Alison Sweeney's baby is actually a talking dog wearing an Ed Gein-inspired vest of human skin? 


 

And I Didn't Even Mention My Charisma Points

Let it be noted that I do things for you, my readers, so that you don't have to. This includes reading Parade Magazine, periodically talking to Lee on the phone, and, a few weeks ago, playing Dungeons & Dragons for the first time in at least 25 years. The results of this last endeavor are in this weekend's Los Angeles Times. Here's a snippet:


I stood at the end of a dark passageway, illuminated by a strange blue glow. To my left slouched an injured dwarf and a shifty paladin, both drinking a miraculous energy-restoring potion. Behind me stood a half-elf who, I'd been told, was "the One" and his companion, a gnome with a pronounced desire to kill anything that moved near his friend. Me? I was your average time-traveling human who had seen things in the future and the past that made this moment fraught with danger.

The tension was unbearable. I turned to the half-elf and asked the one question that needed immediate answer: "Is there any beer left?"


You can read the rest here.



My Favorite Fucktard Of The Day

I just saw a new review of my first Burn Notice book up on Amazon that made me laugh. The person -- or, rather, the person's husband -- hated the book apparently, but clearly has a rather specific issue of their own, too [emphasis mine, obviously]:


1.0 out of 5 stars burn noticeMay 14, 2009

By L. Hansen (florida) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   
My husband found so many misspelled words that he gripped the whole time he read it. Whatever happened to spell checkers?


I can't imagine what her husband gripped the whole time he read the book. Actually, I can imagine and my book was never intended to be read while gripping anything, least of all what Mr. Hansen was keeping in his gnarled fist while he read. Now, if Mr. Hansen griped the whole way through over typos, well, that I could understand. Particularly since the book reads like it was copyedited by a machete (that's what happens when a book is written quickly, edited in five minutes and literally printed a day later).  But really, people, if you're going to complain about typos, you have to be sure not to have them in your complaints. I think that's rule #1. If you're going to complain about fucktardish activity, you can't be a fucktard in the process. That's rule #2. And rule #3 is that Mr. Hansen should leave his own reviews.

Chicago And The Media

Gina Frangello, my editor at OV Books (the good people who put out Simplify and who are releasing Other Resort Cities in the fall) has a very interesting column up at Huffington Post about the suddenly hot book publishing industry in Chicago (where OV is based) and the intersection between new media and old media and the novel idea that people should earn a living from writing:


OK, let me preface this with the disclaimer that I realize it has in fact become widely regarded as gauche for writers (unless you are Audrey Niffenegger) to even discuss money or act as though we give a fig for its existence. But let's look at the facts here: it has always, always been very difficult for artists of all stripes to make anything resembling a living with their art, and most people do need to make a living. Now, with the onslaught of online media and independent publishing, and the decline of the dominant New York publishing industry and print newspapers/magazines, what was once "difficult" is now almost impossible.
These days, it has become pretty much a given that publishing your book with an independent press means no advance and -- with bookstores' outdated Depression-Era model of payment (where they can over-order books at no financial risk, the publisher later being slaughtered by the costs of returns) -- often no royalties either. But fine: it was always hard for writers to earn a buck, and at least now more can be published since indie presses are thriving, right?
But what about literary journalists? What about the Rick Kogans and Donna Seamans of the future? Well, with online sites and collective blogs increasingly taking the place of any kind of paying print media, "journalism" is totally up for grabs and increasingly an unpaid gig. While your readership may knock the socks off what you'd have found writing for a small, local paper, at least that small, local paper would have paid you for your contribution, and with that payment -- and many others like it -- a book reviewer or cultural journalist could piece together a living, maybe even finding a longtime situation like writing a column or becoming a staff writer or editor.



Top 5 Post-Apocalyptic/Alien Labor Camp Music Videos

There was a time -- we'll call it the 1980s -- when music videos were played on something called MTV. During that time, I used to watch a lot of music videos. I don't mean this in a passive way. I mean that I would sit on the couch for hours watching music videos, actively noting which ones "sucked" and which ones "ruled." This was very important to me. I don't know what I gained from this endeavor, precisely, apart from an encyclopedic knoweledge of bad pop music that has enabled me to sing along to every single song on every single station of my satellite radio. Oh, and to lose on Rock-N-Roll Jeopardy. 

Anyway, it was the satellite radio today that reminded me of a particular favorite subset of music videos: The Post Apocalyptic/Alien Labor Camp. I thought of it when Rick Springfield's dreadful song Bop Til You Drop came on that 80s station and I suddenly had a vague recollection of Mr. Springfield in torn clothes helping members of a forced labor camp find freedom. As a kid, I classified this video in the "rules" column. Clearly, I was being ritually abused by the Solid Gold dancers:

I can't expect you to watch this entire video, because to do so would be to ask for mental torture, but if you scroll to about the 3:00 you'll see that Rick Springfield frees the human slaves and then that dance scene from the second (or was it the 3rd?) Matrix breaks out. I actually learned a couple of important things from this song and video. I learned the word "suss" and I learned that mullets exist in the future and in space, so that's pretty cool.

Interestingly, Duran Duran used the same alien labor camp for their video Wild Boys, though it's hard to tell if there are actual aliens using said camp, or if it's just post-apocalyptic genetic mutants torturing Simon LeBon's mullet:

The main difference between the Rick Springfield video and this one is that Simon doesn't free any slaves. Instead, he released a plague of Cirque Du Soleil performers into the world and now Vegas is overrun with them.

Billy Idol's Dancing With Myself doesn't contain any forced labor camps, but it's healthy on the mullet and post-apocalyptic-world-as-denoted-by-torn-clothing-that-is-nonetheless-comprised-of-very-weird-folding-parts-on-zombie-like-creatures-who-for-all-we-know-might-be-aliens-but-who-find-freedom-through-dance!:

I used to really like Dancing With Myself because I was told, in 7th grade, that it was about masturbation. Listening to the lyrics now, it sounds like it's about absolutely nothing at all. "If I had the chance, I'd ask the world to dance, and I'd be dancing with myself." That doesn't sound like masturbation. That sounds like a guy who doesn't know what the fuck he's saying. 

Lick It Up by Kiss is the single worst thing that has ever happened on Earth. It takes the Road Warrior, adds Gene Simmons' out of control Jew-fro, precisely three human skulls, Vinnie Vincent, a world that is either just coming out of a nuclear war or an alien war, but which nevertheless contains only 80s Sunset Strip skanks and...voila:

This video was also the first instance of KISS removing their make-up, so it was something of an event. It was also the exact moment when I realized, without the make-up, that Gene and Paul looked a lot like members of my extended family. I was thus no longer afraid of KISS, since all I could think about was them sitting around eating kugel with their Nanas. Additionally, Lick It Up confirmed what I think is clear now: KISS fucking sucked.

The Warrior by Scandal is truly unique in that it also contains a rape and a murder performed by an alien creature on a Cirque Du Soleil performer. It takes place in the future, clearly, because people are living in torn clothing and come up from beneath the  street, and though there doesn't appear to be any forced labor, there is a general sense of bondage throughout the video:

The Warrior shoots at the walls of heartache, bang, bang, but I still can't figure out what the song or video are about. It seems like the dude in the makeup is from outer space and he likes to rape and kill women in proto-Victorian dress, but then he encounters Patty Smythe, and because she's The Warrior -- bang, bang, et al -- when he tries to deliver a dirt nap unto her, he is stymied and decides, instead, to dance it out and ad lib to fade.  

Coming Soon


Appearances & Signings

  • Los Angeles Times Festival Of Books
    April 25th:
    Panel
    PANEL 1104
    3:30 PM Humor & Race Moderator Mr. Tod Goldberg Mr. Lalo Alcaraz Mr. Christian Lander Mr. Larry Wilmore
    Signing to follow
    April 26th
    PANEL 2102
    12:30 PM
    Enough About You: Fiction & Humor Moderator Ms. Carolyn Kellogg Mr. Tod Goldberg Mr. Seth Greenland Mr. Ben Greenman
    Signing to follow
    2:00pm
    The Mystery Bookstore booth #411 with Lee Goldberg and William Rabkin
    3:00pm
    Mysterious Galaxy Booth